You're doing it all. You're missing it. You're living for the future. You're stuck in the past.

How is it possible to feel all these things at once? I look around at my family or my home or my "working mom" crazy awesome balance and this is the life. But, there are those moments when is this all there is? And since the miscarriage, I find myself dwelling more on the need for a new baby- a happy ending? on motherhood- than hello! you have a beautiful, perfect, challenging, in need of parenting, shitstorm of hissyfits and cuddles 3 almost 4 year old monstergirl RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! I can't turn it off... or turn it on... or change whatever needs changing.

What needs changing? I love it all and i need something else and what if I never have another baby and I'm SO blessed to have Ainsley. Maybe, it's just a change. I've always felt re-energized when preparing for, carrying out, and living in a new change. Location, Job, Finances, Lifestyle, Diet, freaking Furniture Arrangement! And it's been 6 and a half years at my job, in my house, with my husband. the seven year itch... maybe there's something to that whole thing.

So, I just have to figure out how to scratch the itch and maintain all the moments and people and tiny bubbles of pure joy that I just can't live without.